The worst mistakes
Well, unfortunately that is also the bitter reality. There are so many worst faux pas that nip all love, sympathy and passion in the bud. Below I would like to outline some of these errors here.
First of all, the worst thing for an NIBD sufferer is to pretend unconditional anatomical acceptance even though it is not there. Worse still, that genital acquired with great effort and pain must always be compared with the cis-genitalia of the other members of the sex and repeatedly complained about what is wrong with the surgical genital. The person affected knows best where the differences to the cis genital lie, because one does not have to constantly smear it on bread and butter. Something like that nips any love, sympathy and passion in the bud, because the NIBD sufferer feels that he or she as a man or a woman is not taken seriously, he or she feels as a second class person. If an expectation is then also openly displayed, which makes it clear that one expects the functions of the cis-genitals, then the last bit of respect is gone. This is tantamount to psychological castration.
Sentences like "I expect an independent stiffening, a wet orgasm (analogous to this, the vagina becomes more moist and the labia majora plump) and full sensitivity in the cis-corresponding areas", whether expressed directly or in clauses, or "You are putting too much effort into it if you masturbate "are not only counterproductive, they simply do not belong together! If I want to live a satisfactory sexuality with someone, then I don't have to utter such sentences. On the contrary, I have to unconditionally (!!!) accept my counterpart in his deviating anatomy and not evaluate the type of masturbation of my counterpart, because the masturbation of other people is simply not my business. All of this is psycho-sexual abuse and has no place in such a connection!
Keeping silent is just as counterproductive. The reasons for silence, whether out of shame or ignorance, are left open. Anyone who wants to have a satisfactory sexuality cannot avoid, at least initially, to discuss it with his sexual partner. Telling each other your preferences and / or being shown how the other person likes it is nothing embarrassing. Giving each other some guidance, especially in the case of NIBD, where there are some functional and sensitive area deviations, is the most normal thing in the world. You can be silent as soon as you are a well-rehearsed team and know the preferences of the other person inside out. However, to let "fiddle around" in the dark without any initial guidance, in the hope that the other person can read thoughts and bring you to the climax in silence, belongs in the realm of illusions.
Another faux pas is when you bring the other person to the climax, have also made the decision to do this on your own responsibility, but then take on the role of victim and claim that the other person's orgasm was now your own broken neck, especially since you wouldn't have done anything yourself (except accidentally catching the right spot with your fingers) and in general that everything was stupid because you couldn't act like a cis genital. Something like that is level and disrespectful to the NIBD sexual partner.
Anyone who cultivates such faux pas and claims they are correct has not understood sexuality and the human connection behind it. Such people should be avoided as much as possible, because they do more harm than good.
After three months you actually already know whether an interpersonal sexuality will be fruitful or not fruitful. But if there is no result, then wanting to maintain the connection with all your might and indulging yourself in ridiculous illusions and also lying to the other person just to maintain the connection is unbeatable in audacity.
I have had similar experiences and learned my lesson from them. I no longer want inexperienced women in my sexuality. And I no longer do that kind of preschool fuss. Life is too short to give up one's sexuality just because the other person can't or doesn't want to get something done.
